I Left My Heart in South America, I'm Coming Back to Retrieve It

Leap of faith.

It's the best, nay, perfect phrase to describe the adventure I am about to embark. Less than 3 weeks from now, I will be leaving all that is familiar, comfortable, and dear to me. Something that I never thought I'd get to do nor will be able to do.

I quit my solid corporate job in order to chase a dream brimming with uncertainties. Me, whose one great fear is instability. But as I was mapping out immediate itineraries and backup plans, I realised that it's not really instability I fear of. It's the lack of money. Money to propel a life of comfort in this world. How would I fare out there if I don't have the financial means?

But dreams are dangerous. It burns fire within, something you did not know you were capable of thus equipping you with a belief that you can take on anything as long as you have your dream and you believe in it.

I have a dream and I believe that I can make it. There will be challenges - you bet there will be tons - but my belief is greater than the fears, hesitations, and doubts circling around. My confidence has always been too brittle, but not on this one. It does help that I have the vote of confidence from my little support group.

I can do it. I shall make it work.

PS: rackets and sidelines are very much welcome! :D

30 Days Before I Hit 30

I will be transparent. I will allow my almost 30 self to be emo one last time so I can bury being emo along with 29.

You know how writing down whatever pent up emotions you have make everything a wee bit better? No? Blimey.

I am the most terrible writer in the world but I still do it anyway. A journal (or this platform) does the trick of keeping the demons at bay.

Lately I've been letting the demon comparison take away my joy. I keep on obsessing how this someone or that someone has so much, I could never catch up. Ugly thoughts, I know. And ashamed as I am whenever I snap out of it, the dirty thoughts won't go away. The sad part is - and I acknowledge that this is WRONG - I keep reverting, and in the process, blame it on the circumstance of how I came into this world.

I keep on counting all the things I am not accomplishing, the things I've been missing out on, the plans/dreams that never reached fruition. How most of the time I feel so alone in whatever mathematical equation the universe is putting me through.

That I forget I have a lot of things to be thankful for. Waking up each day, eating twice a day, having a job, water and electricity, not getting mugged whenever I get home from work. 8 years ago, all I wanted was to eat a decent meal at least once a day in order to live and face another day but mainly, strength to deal with another trigonometry and calculus problem sets. My needs were basic. How did I let myself become so worldly?

It might seem silly to want and desire a lot of things but that's the beauty (and heartbreak) of being human. We were cut out for this. It's just a matter of determining how to execute these wants and desires.

Your move.

You can work and tire yourself like a horse but still it wouldn't be enough. 

You can help steer someone else's life to make it better but you can only do so much, they gotta help themselves too. 

Some bastards get really lucky and it's not even their fault. You can't blame them for getting all the great stuff while a third of this world's population wring in various kinds of suffering.

As my favorite phrase puts it it is what it is.

I have to will myself to get out of this slump, otherwise I'm gonna be a miserable, old witch. I don't want to be a miserable, old witch. I'm too bouncy to be a witch!

It seems my well of positivism towards others run dry when it comes to myself. I think I'm being too hard on myself and have always had. I've been denied too much in this lifetime and here I go, continuously denying myself of the little things that could make me happy. The curse of my forefathers are not mine to bear.

Only I can help myself snap out of this. The universe wouldn't want a green and wretched girl under its wing. 

Frustrations and unrealized dreams will be the death of me but I suppose, in the end, these'll all be still up to me. There's no other equation. It sucks but it is what it is. 

###

A la livejournal:

Mood: wistful

Background song: Time To Pretend - MGMT

2013 Birthday Wish

Dear Papa Jesus,

I won't ask for any material things this coming 11th. Not even my usual socks and postcard wishes. All I'll ask is a good health. Please let me be healthy always. If possible, for as long as I shall live. You know I can't afford to be sick :(

Please and thank you.

Love,
Marye

Are You Who You Want To Be?

A random song shuffling and look how it led me to write here. 

This is your life, are you who you want to be

This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be

Such a powerful line from a song that makes you stop and ponder on life even if for a while. 

Was this what I dreamed of when I was six? Sixteen? Twenty-six? Certainly not. 

I dreamed of bigger things, grander ones that I've come to realize, now as a working adult, are pretty unrealistic. Since then, I've set up goals that are not as far-fetched, something doable no matter the difficulties (after all, obstacles are there to challenge us but never let it keep you from dreaming your dream and living your life, instead let it fuel them).

I wanted so many things in this life that sometimes naiiyak na lang ako kasi alam kong hindi ko talaga maa-achieve sa ganitong estado ng buhay ko. But when the brain fog clears, gusto kong kutusan ang sarili ko because I know maraming tao rin ang nagwiwish sa buhay na meron ako. That's when I say sorry to the Big Man, say my graces and be content of what I have right now.

I'm not a religious person but I absolutely believe in a higher power, a Supreme Entity that watches over us. I dislike it when people shoves down your throat their beliefs, those who are preachy and too godly to the point of umay level. I respect you but please understand and respect that not all people have the same belief as you have. 

Anyway, how apt. A pang-semana santa reflection post lang. 

10 years from now, I'd like to ask myself again the same question. And you know what, I'm actually kinda looking forward of what would be my answer by then. What about you, was it everything you dreamed it would be?

My Suka Stories from Our Recent Trip Abroad

Warning: The following story will either gross you out a bit (or more, I dunno, depends on you) or lose your respect to me (kung meron man lol). I just wanted to write this down because 10 years from now it'll be a good/gross story to tell to my... sige na nga, future kids. Or wala lang, for record keeping lang.

Before this story let me tell you that I've only puked once in my life. I was 13 and down with the flu.

I don't get sick on bus, plane nor boat rides. Kahit sa bitukang manok sa Quezon, nu-uh.

Not even on theme park rides like this:

So when I woke up in the middle of the night, retching all the wonderful food (not anymore?) I stuffed my mouth with the previous day, I said to myself "patay tayo dyan".

Breakfast came. Raymond cooked for us, I ate so little. While the boys were playing NBA2k12, eto na naman po. Goodbye breakfast.

Fast forward 2 hours to ION Orchard. I drank tea to settle KJ tummy, slept while JC ate his Chicken Rice alone (oo natulog ako sa Food Republic my gas!). After my 15-minute nap, I stood up and we went back to walking.

Wala pang 50 steps, out goes the barf bag and the tea I drank earlier. Sayang naman ng $2.

I was probably more embarassed by this though than when I puked on South Bridge Road (more of that later). If somebody asks me, "nagpunta ka ION Orchard?" I'd sweetly reply "yes! nagsuka pa nga ko dun e." How memorable no?


After an hour, I tried eating again. Orange + Banana fruit shake and Pork Spare Ribs. Himala of all himala it stayed on KJ tummy!

However, I can still feel angry stirrings inside KJ tummy so I didn't rejoice just yet.

Off to Tiong Bahru to search for the best Chicken Rice in SG, well, according to Anthony Bourdain. Wrong TV show. The Layover pala yung nasa Tiong Bahru. Dun tayo sa No Reservations days pa nya.

Hopped back on a train towards Tanjong Pagar (the nearest station to Maxwell Food Centre) that houses the best Chicken Rice in Singapore (totoo na 'to promise!).

In SG, basta pinipilahan alam mong okay dun. Wow lang sa pila.

I still didn't eat much. Screw you KJ tummy!

From Maxwell Road we turned left and traversed South Bridge Road to North Bridge Road, passing Chinatown and too many to mention streets. I think it was somewhere near Upper Circular Road when the nasty feeling from the pit of KJ tummy resurfaced.

Of course it had to happen while we were crossing the road. Those people crossing from the other side were probably giving me the stinky eye but I couldn't care less. Ang hirap kaya, feeling ko pati baga ko ilalabas ko na!

JC was so worried pa kasi I accidentally let loose a bit of fluids from my barf bag to the pavement e di ba LAHAT BAWAL AT MAY KAUKULANG BAYAD SA SG hahaha. Wala kaming pambayad ng fine! Pero I can explain myself naman IN CASE lang. I think.

Thank goodness wala namang pumitong pulis.

Then JC forced me to drink Yakult (which I don't drink), buti na lang Apple flavored so napagtyagaan. (although actually bumili rin sya nun para sa plastic kasi wala na kong plastic kung meron pa uling susunod :))

After ng nakakahiyang mga pangyayari, KJ tummy finally settled down a bit. No more retching but still, di pa din makakain ng matino hmp.

Yun lang.

There goes my grand dream of SG food trip. Lakas maka-experience amp.

Kinabukasan, when we were back in KL, I got my monthly period.

Kung minamalas ka nga naman.

What will you see?

Inasmuch as I fear death, I am also mystified by it. I fear death because I don't know what comes out of it, just like how our everyday illogical fears are rooted from not knowing anything. I wonder what will become of me when the Great Hand calls my name, I wouldn't know if I'll ever be ready. Who is anyway?

It dazzles me what afterlife would be. Where would I be? What would I see. what would I hear, will I find it to my liking or will it be what my religion has taught me it would be?

But in the grand scheme of things, whatever may be waiting for me, for us, in the beyond life, I hope the life that would flash in my very eyes are those memories that I so worked hard to be fulfilled. I wish to see a happy life being flashed at me and not images of a brassed off girl, silently wringing her hair while staring at her office monitor.

Stress Drilon Wednesday!

What a fabulous (yes, sarcasm) news to greet me on my first day in the office after a vacation. Such a BV Wednesday I was so stressed the whole day sa mga problemang NPI related. It wasn't my fault pero inako ko na para wala nang mahaba pang usapan. Dumagdag pa ang napakababang sweldo na mali-mali pala, buti na lang naagapan.

Dahil dyan napa-tsaa ko, napa-update ng Lakbayan page at napa-blog ulit sa wikang Filipino.

My Lakbayan grade is B-!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

A new Beginning

It is possible to have an emotional breakdown when your files are at stake. I supposed I shall always be at the mercy of technology. Oh well. C'est la vie.

Computer- 1, Mariela- 0.

I have no ref..

but by golly I'm so rich. Salamat Bathala!

C-c-changes!

When I started this blog, what I had in mind was simple: a blog that would serve as an outlet of my emotional despairs and woes in life. You see, I was in college and consistently failing my math subjects, ongoing perennial financial troubles, dealing with social insecurities, crushed confidence, living with relatives thus commuting to school everyday on a _ _-peso allowance (seriously) and perpetually contemplating the plans and dreams I wanted to achieve. These ugly thoughts relentlessly swamp my brain I’m surprise… well, I’m surprise I didn’t do anything dumb that I will regret in my future life. To all that I thank my lack of ingenuity, spaced out mind and the unflagging support of my little circuit of trusted friends.

Fast forward to today.

Many things have happened in that 5 years. Thankfully I’m out of college now therefore have stopped failing math subjects, got a job I really like but still zero bank savings account (but hey I got coins in my bear bank if you could count that), I still have my social insecurities but who doesn’t, lives in a cramped and dingy room and brick by boring brick builds a bridge that will get me closer to my dreams.

I suppose it’s about time to replace this blog’s header title. Because whenever I read it, it reminds me a lot of my younger self. Although I could always claim that in a nutshell, I’ve had a much better life than half of the world’s population; it hadn’t been that really easy for me too. Tough, awkward, lonely, miserable times? There were plenty of those but now I am ready to leave them all behind. After all, I have more great memories than just all those things put together.

Yes, I’m sure the melancholic attacks won’t stop from here but I am sure I would handle each of them appropriately and accordingly. Age and maturity has a unique way of manifesting into our system. However, exercising maturity can become a purely selective process only. So, I don’t know. Does that even count?!?

I was leaning to something of “travel/adventure/tramping” ideas but then remembered that I don’t really do that stuff frequently as much as I fantasized about it. More often than not, I forget to post travel related posts (either I was too lazy, tired or have forgotten entirely about it) so there’s really no sense in focusing to one specific topic. Besides, I have tons of interest in life I wouldn’t contain myself to one subject only.

Up next is improving this site’s layout! I’m a bit clueless in that area but I am trying really, really hard to learn more about that so I can finally give it the look it deserves, something that reflects my personality without having to borrow other people’s creation.

In the meantime, see you in another five years, change.

Waiting is Forgetting

Naghihintay sa isang tawag na hindi dumating-dating. Naghihintay sa panunuyong hindi maganap-ganap.

Naghihintay. Naghihintay. Naghihintay.

Hanggang kailan?

A Peruvian Dream

When I was about 14, I saw this movie – Max is Missing – in our local cable channel, about a boy who was on a vacation along with his family in Peru. He got separated to them, got chased by robbers who were after a priceless mask that was given to him by a dying man. What a great adventure for a 12-year-old kid (assuming that every kid with the same adventure will also live), right?

After watching that movie, I was so inspired to have my own adventure in Peru, particularly in Machu Picchu, traverse the great Incan trail and watch the sun rise from the top of the ruins.

Keep in mind that I don’t know much about Peru back then. I came in a province wherein internet – if it does exist during those time – is unheard of. All I know is that Peru is a country far, far away from where I live therefore it is impossible for me to run around, get lost, let alone sit and cry on top of a pyramid ruins just like what Max did, because 1) I am not rich and 2) I don’t have any idea how to. My young mind still has that pretty limited world and imagination.

12 years after, here I am obsessing once again for that Peruvian adventure. I have to admit thought that Machu Picchu is second only on my top-two list of greatest ambitions/dreams/adventures in life. Egypt came first and I blame my Discovkids watching days for it. For dreaming BIG. The drive for that Peruvian adventure was just too strong lately.

So there. I’m spending my work-free hours at the office researching everything about a (hopefully and God-willing) future backpacking trip in South America. I started with the basics. Filipinos do not need visas to get to Peru (as well as Brazil, Colombia, Bolivia, Ecuador and Suriname). Yay!

The next was to pick a flight that will send me directly to Peru with a connecting flight in a country that will not require me to show nor possess a visa. I’ve read some options and still looking for viable (read: hassle-free in transit experience and not too expensive) flights preferably those that would need less connecting flights. I even wish that when I finally get to go on this trip, there’s already a direct flight from Manila to Lima. Ha!

Logistics, logistics, logistics. I won’t delve into that right now because everything’s still a big “if”. But surely, in order for me to push through with this dream trip, I would have to have an immense bank savings account first.

Which brings me to the post right after this.

London 2012

Borne out of the loopy but hopeless dreamer in me, plus an acquiescent – no, make that tolerant- friend that challenged me to actually make this happen. I’ve always dreamed of a European backpacking trip but pragmatically speaking, I cannot afford it. Maybe 5 to 10 years from now I could, but in two years? Never.

So I’ve come to my own terms and accept the fact that it will be just United Kingdom, for now. I’m sure there’s plenty of things that I can do and enjoy in there, interesting stuff that will fill up my schedule not to mention the amount of time it will take me to hunt British actors and rock stars that I’m obsessing on. That’s if I ever get approved for a tourist visa first haha.

But I’ve got a good feeling about it all. I’ve already started my “London 2012 jar fund”. Hopefully it will be enough to get me to UK in about 2 years, if not I’ll always have my visa-free Southeast Asian neighbors.

~~
The moral of the story is this: Peruvian trip will not be happening in the next 3 years. Perhaps in 5-7 years. I can always wait but I will definitely make sure that it will happen.

Ad Astra Per Aspera!!

Hooray for Fourth of July!

First things first.

I am not an American nor an American patriot. Where I come from Fourth of July is deemed as the Araw ng Kalayaan of United States of America. Independence Day in English. So what, every country has their Independence Day anyway.

It is there in the title because I'm just delighted that two weeks into my new job (after being unemployed for more than 6 months!) I'll be having my first ever long weekend (say yea!)

Yes 1) I have a new job and 2) We follow US holidays because I work in a US back office company sort of thingie. At first glance or occurrence maybe, "aah, call center (more like call cennur heehee) but no. They actually have but I'm not part of it. We just don't deal with sales period.

Obviously, the reason for my long absence here was because of work. I haven't had the time to browse sites that I religiously follow because most of them are banned in the office and I have no time to browse them whenever I surf the net outside (read:pay for it).

I still check facebook from time to time (only because of Mafia Wars!) but I am still and mostly active in Twitter.

Since I work in a graveyard shift, my social life has been drastically altered. I don't get to see much more interact with friends and the Cheese. But hey c'est la vie. I'm still pretty much adjusting to the new work environment, working with new people, walking out of the office on a bright sunshine, sleeping with the bright sunshine and practically missing out on a few things. But I'll live. I need this job to regain my depleted bank account and to save up money for September.

Now that Argentina has just exited the World Cup scene from a massive 4-0 loss with Germany (and England way earlier on the Cup), I can concentrate more on this year's Tour de France updates. But I am still hoping Spain will make it. Barca all the way!

Right now it's time to hit the sack 'cos I'm almost 24 hours way behind of normal my sleep. And we all know humans need to sleep and I'm convinced that I am still one. Human, that is.

No Toy Gets Left Behind

If you haven't seen it yet then I suggest you lift that butt off where you're seated 'cos you're missing a lot.

Anyway, I am not ashame (when was I ever?) to say that I cried a lot in this movie. Why not? It's the last installment of the first ever Pixar full-length animation film after all. The very thought of not seeing Woody, Buzz and the rest of the gang stirs the belly butterflies into chaos. I am so happy that Pixar and the people behind Toy Story 3 (director, storyboard, graphic artists, etc.) did not fail to deliver a simple yet beyond heart-warming version of their final goodbye to the toys we have come to love and adore.

I really admire how they kept the story simple and how they pulled off a perfect ending. Heck, even Rotten Tomatoes rated it 99% and has only good things to rave about it. As always, I loved Woody - for his cowboy sheriff-y leadership and courage- but most of all, I love him because he has always been the most loyal toy among Andy's. I love the squeeze-aliens and their voices. I love Rex's humor, his fear of the uncertainty (it was most normal) and the fact that he has found someone he can finally relate to. I love Slinky's overall usefulness. I love Barbie for showing the smart side of her. I love some of the new characters as well such as Mr. Pricklepants, Trixie, even Ken's glamorous character! I can't actually think of a thing I hate about this film. By the way, the tortilla version of Mr. Potato was such a hilarious part of the movie that I really enjoyed.

It all comes down to one of the hardest reality that any toy could ever face: the fact that there will come a time when they will be outgrown by kids who own them. I agree with what the Pixar storyboard leaders keeps on telling us: a toy can be found if they get lost, can be fixed when they get broken but you can't fix nor stop being outgrown by a child. I love and perfectly understand Andy's emotions over his old toys. I respect his attachment to Woody, Buzz and the others because they've been together for a long time and had only but the greatest memories with one another (though Andy might never have an idea how his toys tremendously love him). Acknowledging his childhood companions is a courageous act because let's face it, not a lot of kids can do that once they outgrew their toys and move on to more interesting things in life.

For me, they're not just some plastics. They're very much alive in my mind and in heart that somehow they could've actually belonged to me, to us.

I will so miss you guys.

Carl + Ellie = LOVE

You two are so cute, kagigil.

Pool + Bingo Party!

Just when I thought the birthday party (and fever) is over, comes another surprise, And surprised really I was (though I'm practically grilling the Cheese over this one prior to finding out).

My dream bingo party just came true, the pool part was just an addition from the beautiful imagination of my friend Pam. Anyhoo, I'm so thankful to everyone who came despite the venue's proximity. To those who weren't able to come, I'm sure you have your reasons and I respect that. Pero sayang, di kayo nakapunta. It would've been more fun and riotous for sure.

It's funny how each year, new and different set of friends/people gather for my party. Whenever I skim over and reminisce about past birthday celebrations (wherever it may be), I find it really cool that while I could be with different sets of friends, there are also those who remain in the frame, unchanged. For that, I love you guys!

Tuwennysix

It seems my country will be declaring its new president not very long now. I am embracing myself for 6 years of leadership under his tutelage. I'm honestly wondering, who will be his first lady? Seriously, I don't and will not accept that it will be her youngest sister. What happens if the newly elected president of a nation is single? Never thought of it. Will research soon!

In other news, I am officially a year older. Perhaps not richer, prettier nor cooler but a bit "wais-er".

Here's to wishing another year filled with delightful surprises, madventures, hits and misses, ups and downs, unlimited movies & series downloads, heaps of books, music-drowning, NBA highlights, stranger's kindness, new friends to meet, old friends to keep, Stormtroopers geeking, food binging, turtle lovin', lazy days in beaches, island hopping, mountain trekking, running free, biking safely, laughing loudly, farting silently, meeting idols & icons, living fully, loving unconditionally, patience, leap of faiths, ice cream treats, humbling experiences, multi-colored dreams, debt-free cards, wisdom, kindness aplenty and free-flowing HAPPINESS.

Salamat, Bathala!

Here Goes

On the big 'ol day, I wish and dream of some of these:

• a letter/note (from anyone)
• a cake (Karen's Kitchen's Chocolate Ganache, Manila Peninsula's King Oscar cake or Sucree's Dan's Devastation cake heehee)
• a dinner/lunch/merienda from any restaurant that I haven't eaten before (ang dami ata nun pero basta pick one lang :)
• a book (I'm still hoping for a Diary of a Wimpy Kid na hiniling ko nung pasko kaso nadedma lang ni Santa)
• a nice pen (kahit mura lang!)
• a plain white/gray shirt
• libreng beach trip (kung hindi man kalabisan yun mwahaha)
• mabawas-bawasan naman ang pawis sa kamay ko. Seriously. It's so frustrating not to mention hassle and kadire.
• bumait na ko at mabawasan ang pagsusungit (which will only happen if i had --->
• a job (God bless my soul)
• for Gibo to win the election (God bless this country)

This time I won't ask for the stars, rather I'd just ask for a glimpse of the star. We gotta be realistic here. I've no dough. What if I ask na lang kaya for say, 10 pesos each from my FB or Multiply friend so I can collect money?? I knooow, L-A-M-E. Sorry.

Oooh, one more thing. For Celtics to get to the finals.

Crap!

I just asked for the stars didn't I?

Erase!

Mindfuck

It's as if yesterday wasn't horrible enough, I woke up today thinking that it was just near quarter to eleven. That's good, considering I slept at past 4 in the morning because of a terrible headache. I was thinking that I still have a lot of time to make it to the Cheese's house. I took a bath.

Coming out of the bathroom, I noticed that the sun isn't too bright and intense for an 11 o' clock. Weird. Got into my room, changed. I was about to put on my watch when I saw the time: it says 10 minutes before 5. Wow. My watch probably stopped early in the morning. Weird. Then I looked at my other watch, the one where there are no numbers just dots, and saw the ugly truth. It was actually almost 5 in the afternoon. Oh God.

The Cheese was probably waiting for me since noon and he can't contact me because I turned off my phone before going to sleep because I'm sure there will be a couple of people who'll be calling me and asking me where I was.

See, the thing is this. Yesterday, I quit my part-time job. I decided that I won't come in again because it makes me sick. How the whole thing works, how I thought I was supposed to do this task but turns out I do other irrelevant things not related to my line of work. Instructions got lost somewhere and what was I to do? I'm supposed to be researching and writing stuff but instead I spend my day under the intense heat, watching drivers register for emission tests, give away hand outs, speak in public. My boss' staff think that I should do the photocopying and in charge of LCD too. Honestly, I was not even told that I was supposed to do those things. I was told that I should report thrice a week only but now they are telling me that I should be there every time there is a seminar and that I should come on a Sunday. WORK ON A FREAKING SUNDAY. C'mon. I did not signed up for that. No I didn't.

I want clear instructions, a job that does not do crossovers. Maybe I could do that too if I'm a regular employee who gets the right cut but I don't. I don't even get paid. Sure I got a couple of hundred pesos but it sure wasn't enough. I am a very patient person I believe and was never the type to quit on things like that. But I don't like what I see, I don't like the attitudes going on inside government offices. It scares the hell out of me. I was never the righteous one but I know right from wrong.

That was the FML moment yesterday. Today, waking up at 4 in the afternoon and thinking it was only 11 is the FML moment. I feel bad for the Cheese for waiting and not knowing what the hell happened to me. And I am sorry for that. I feel bad for the lost time.

I don't ever want that to happen again. Lord no. It honestly terrified me. Now I have to scram because I have a trip to catch in less than 2 hours and I still have to pack.