Friday, April 11, 2014

30 Days Before I Hit 30

I will be transparent. I will allow my almost 30 self to be emo one last time so I can bury being emo along with 29.

You know how writing down whatever pent up emotions you have make everything a wee bit better? No? Blimey.

I am the most terrible writer in the world but I still do it anyway. A journal (or this platform) does the trick of keeping the demons at bay.

Lately I've been letting the demon comparison take away my joy. I keep on obsessing how this someone or that someone has so much, I could never catch up. Ugly thoughts, I know. And ashamed as I am whenever I snap out of it, the dirty thoughts won't go away. The sad part is - and I acknowledge that this is WRONG - I keep reverting, and in the process, blame it on the circumstance of how I came into this world.

I keep on counting all the things I am not accomplishing, the things I've been missing out on, the plans/dreams that never reached fruition. How most of the time I feel so alone in whatever mathematical equation the universe is putting me through.

That I forget I have a lot of things to be thankful for. Waking up each day, eating twice a day, having a job, water and electricity, not getting mugged whenever I get home from work. 8 years ago, all I wanted was to eat a decent meal at least once a day in order to live and face another day but mainly, strength to deal with another trigonometry and calculus problem sets. My needs were basic. How did I let myself become so worldly?

It might seem silly to want and desire a lot of things but that's the beauty (and heartbreak) of being human. We were cut out for this. It's just a matter of determining how to execute these wants and desires.

Your move.

You can work and tire yourself like a horse but still it wouldn't be enough. 

You can help steer someone else's life to make it better but you can only do so much, they gotta help themselves too. 

Some bastards get really lucky and it's not even their fault. You can't blame them for getting all the great stuff while a third of this world's population wring in various kinds of suffering.

As my favorite phrase puts it it is what it is.

I have to will myself to get out of this slump, otherwise I'm gonna be a miserable, old witch. I don't want to be a miserable, old witch. I'm too bouncy to be a witch!

It seems my well of positivism towards others run dry when it comes to myself. I think I'm being too hard on myself and have always had. I've been denied too much in this lifetime and here I go, continuously denying myself of the little things that could make me happy. The curse of my forefathers are not mine to bear.

Only I can help myself snap out of this. The universe wouldn't want a green and wretched girl under its wing. 

Frustrations and unrealized dreams will be the death of me but I suppose, in the end, these'll all be still up to me. There's no other equation. It sucks but it is what it is

A la livejournal:
Mood: wistful
Background song: Time To Pretend - MGMT

1 comment:

Roan said...

Awww, it's your birthday today so I guess you're done with being emo. Sabihin ko sana mag-emo session tayo and let's hash out all our frustrations! Hahaha.

But it was really good seeing you girls again. One of the reasons I wanted to meet up was to hear your infectious laugh! I can imagine it now. You're right. You're too bouncy to be a witch. You're a happy person.

Sometimes we really are ignoring the blessings because we're too busy looking at others. Idol kita sa pagtitipid, and when it comes to following your travel dreams.

I'm so happy you became my friend. Happy Birthday Marye! Thirty, flirty, and thriving! :)