Hindi ako umiyak pero malapit na malapit na..

Masakit lang isipin na may kaibigan kang gustong makasama pero hindi ikaw ang gusto niyang kasama.

P*ta /wrist moment yun ah.

Pag si Kaibigang A ang mag-aaya, hala sige. Keber sa komplikasyon. Pag si Kaibigang B ang nag-aya, walang pag-aalinlangan. Pag si Kaibigang Z mag-aaya, katakut-takot na pilitan at negosasyon pa ang kailangan.

Langya. Tamang nakikilimos na nga lang sa atensyon at oras.

Yelo. Kailangan ng puso ko ng yelo. Pangpamanhid lang.

28th

Seems to me I'll be stuck here. I badly want to get away but I don't know how. Everybody is either away or happily spending time with their families. It's kinda getting boring having my everyday routine. I want something new, something that will break the monotony.

So excuse me if I don't seem to be myself lately because how can you be exactly happy when you're unemployed and filled with "i wish and I hope thoughts"?

Sorry. I am not whining cos I'm perfectly aware that it is actually in my hands, whatever it is that I want. I have to act if I don't want to stay in this rut that I am in or else there will be blood. Or not!

There is a void that must be filled. That's all.

Black Hole Sun

This is just my first day off work and already I am bored to death. I keep listening to one song cover over and over again, I keep staring at other people's status and apparently I slept the whole afternoon off, even forgot eating.

I have never been good at this. Being holed up. Too many idle times in my hand was never a good thing. I know I have tons of books to pick up and keep me busy for the next 6 months but surprisingly I am not in the mood to be entertained by fictional characters. Yet. I'll change my mind soon I know. If I was probably living off someone else's monetary pity, it might've been another story.

But for the meantime, I am boredom personified.

Magtatanim Muna..

That's why it was called a surprise darling, it creeps up on you without you ever knowing what the hell just happened. :O

~~
Malaya na ako. Sort of. Kahapon, natanggap ko ang isa sa pinaka-nakakagulat na balita sa buhay ko: wala na daw akong trabaho. Dismissed. Redundant. Gardening leave. Backpay. December 11. Thank you. Yun na lang ang mga naaalala ko. Kasama ng apat pang kaopisina, kami'y pinapunta sa Aquarium. Akala ko may meeting lang. Byernes kasi nun. Naglitanya na naman ang boss naming mahilig sa mabulaklak na salita. Pero naramdaman ko na eh. Eto na siguro yun. Habang lumalalim pa ang pagpapaliwanag ng boss namin, hindi ko na maiwasang mapangiti.

Totoo. Nakahinga ako. Hindi ko na kailangan mag-isip ng kasinungalingan para lang may maisulat sa resignation letter sa Disyembre. Eto na, sila na mismo ang nagsabi. Para kong nabunutan ng tinik. Hindi ko na kailangang magsulat araw-araw ng tungkol sa sugal. Hindi ko na kailangang lokohin pa ang sarili ko na hindi na talaga ko masaya sa trabaho ko.

Malaya na ako.

Wala akong sama ng loob sa kahit kanino pa sa management namin. Hindi naman talaga ko yung tipo ng nagtatanim ng sama ng loob in the first place. Eto na yata ang pinaka-weird na dismissal na nangyari sa buhay ko (not that I've been dismissed before, actually first time ko 'to!). Lahat kami nakangiti. O siguro kami lang yun ng isa kong kaopisina. Hindi ko rin masasabi kung ano yung naramdaman talaga nung iba. Sana okay lang din sila.

Hindi na ko nakapag-alam sa mga kaibigan ko sa kabilang kwarto. Mabilisang exit eh.

Ngayon, gusto ko mang aminin na masayang masaya ko sa nangyari bigla syang nasapawan ng thought na ito: hindi ako pwedeng mag-slack off. Bakit? Dahil wala akong magulang na sasalo sakin kung sakali mang mawalan ako ng trabaho. Hindi ako pwedeng humiga lang maghapon sa kama at pag naisipang bumangon o kaya maramdaman ang gutom e pwedeng magpunta sa kusina at tingnan kung ano ang pagkain. Ilan lang yun sa mga eksenang hindi ko mararanasan.

Sa madaling salita, kailangan pa ring kumayod.

Nagpapasalamat ako sa lahat ng mga kaibigan kong nagpaabot ng simpatiya. Whether nag-IM sakin, tumawag, nagtext or nag-email. Ito ay isang balitang sa iilang tao ko lang sinabi pero may pakpak talaga ang balita eh. But the general emotion was of surprise. Akala nila nagbibiro lang ako.

So kung isa ka sa hindi pa nakakaalam, ngayon alam mo na. May alam ka bang opening dyan? Hehe.

And I Quote Raj..

It feels like I haven't been forgiven yet. It must have been really awful and I didn't even know it. As Raj Koothrappali of Big Bang Theory will say to his bestfriend Wolowitz, "sucky, sucky friend".

And that's how you wrap up a Tuesday.

What Our Daughters Should Know About Men

1. If you’re paranoid he’s cheating, then you don’t trust him and the relationship should be over.
2. Going down isn’t shameful.
3. Learn how to satisfy yourself sexually.
4. Men are powerless in the face of female sexuality.
5. Be honest and upfront about your feelings, and demand the same from men.
6. Don’t try to change a man.
7. If he’s annoying when you’re dating, then he’ll be annoying when you’re married.
8. The first time he hits you is the last time he hits you, because you leave.
9. “Perfect couples” have troubles too, so don’t compare your relationship to othe relationships too much.
10. If he’s not willing to work on the relationship, then he’s not invested in it.
11. Flirting with other women in your presence is disrespectful and shouldn’t be tolerated.
12. It’s OK to sleep with multiple men at the same time, as long as you’re honest with them and safe about it.
13. The STD talk really isn’t that difficult to have.
14. Keeping your man sexually satisfied will do wonders for your relationship.
15. You both should be able to say “I’m sorry.”
16. If he can’t laugh at himself, he’s too uptight.
17. A man who cooks you breakfast in bed, gives you foot rubs, goes shopping with you or accompanies you to a rom-com is worth his weight in gold.
18. Mama’s boys are unlikely to prioritize your wants and needs above their mom’s wants and needs.
19. Always trust your gut.
20. Expressing strong emotions doesn’t make you crazy.
21. Don’t bother overanalyzing him. His reasoning is likely very simple.
22. Be able to take it as much as you dish it.
23. Find a man that truly “cares” for you. When love and passion fade, “caring” takes over until they return again.
24. Never waste your time with a man that makes you feel bad about yourself.
25. You don’t owe him a thing, even if he buys you the most expensive dinner in town.
26. Tease him. And just went he thinks he’s going to get it, tease him again.
27. There are seven excuses for getting out of anal sex.
28. You can’t own anyone and they can’t own you.
29. It’s OK to just listen to him breathe sometimes.
30. Men need to be cuddled and hugged, too.
31. Find someone to share your life with, not fill in the gaping hole (not a vagina reference) in your life.
32. Only you can make yourself happy.
33. Love doesn’t hurt.
34. Shoe shopping is great breakup therapy.
35. Never settle.
36. Date potential, instead of vainly searching for Mr. Perfect.
37. Be a lesbian.

After being pressured for 9 hours, it is nice to read something like this at the end of your day. Something to soothe the nerves, something to make you chuckle. And chuckle I did. No. Make that LAUGH. :)

Got it from blairwaldorfs. Nice one young lady!

~
As for my long, definitely tiring and brain-numbing day, well it was that. Haha. At least I can still laugh.

I hate the fact that I have no more time socializing with other people (i.e., office friends, seatmates, YM friends, love ones and not-so-love ones). I have no more time browsing gossip sites and the usual sites I go through every morning. I have no more time to even read the freaking news headline (not that I often do but the point is..).

But the worst part of it all, I have no more time to just lounge around a bit on my lunch break. No more funny coversation with friends, no more relaxing, no more ONE HOUR lunch break.

If that is not sad, I don't know what it is anymore.

Soul Searching*

Today is my maternal grandmother's birthday, you know, the one where my mother got my first name. So here's to you and many more years ahead. I wish you good, good health.

~~
Obviously, I wasn't able to post yesterday. I was sick and was not able to come to the office, no work, no office internet connection, no blog post. There. I hate being sick. It's totally the worst feeling in the world, aside from being alone of course. And it is especially worse because no one's around to take care of you, cook warm soup for you or just someone to yell at you to take your meds.

That's why I thank the Cheese for taking the extra mile(s) to come and visit sick-o me. Thanks for the Chicken Alfredo and the Gatorades. :)

~~
Even the boss can be frustrated. Why of course they're human too. Whatever it was that was bugging him certainly became too much for him to handle that I supposed, his guard was momentarily let down.

It amazes me somehow, while he can be a pain in the arse, he can very well be a nice chap too. People. He's nice. As a friend. For a boss, maybe not really.. :D

You're just 22. Enjoy yer life. Leave if you must, if you can. Never stay for the wrong reasons. Smile na!


*cos that's what's playing in my list!

My Resignation

Something inneresting I found from bloghopping today.

My Resignation

Author Unknown

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an eight-year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four-star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care.

All you knew was to be happy, because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simply again. I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive when there are more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, mankind and making angels in the snow.

I want to play with my pets and my days of imagination to last forever

So here are my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401(k) statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

~~
True, true! Though I wish I have car keys and statements to throw. So maybe I don't have any right to resign from adulthood just yet. Heehee. And oh, I never stopped believing in the power of smiles, hugs, kind words and mankind.

Need Some Lovin'

Because currently, there is none to be found. At least in this four-wall room.

Tuesday Blah

Office internet connection became impossibly slow again around 4 in the afternoon. Time to bloghop!

Got irritated grr..

Supposed dinner with office friends got cancelled. Sad.

Can't wait to get my hands on that free sticker. Ayuh, I'm a sucker like that.

G'bye!

"Happy Everafter In Your Eyes"

by Ben Harper

The morning sunrise spread her wings
While the moon hung in the sky
Held the sea in your hands
And happy everafter in your eyes

Couldn't leave you to go to heaven
I carry you in my smile
For the first time my true reflection i see
Happy everafter in your eyes

Every star in the night
Promises the dawn
I will be there if you fall
To ever so heavily rest upon

All that i can give you
Is forever yours to keep
Wake up every day with a dream
And happyever after in your eyes

Happy everafter is in your eyes

Such a sweet yet, sad song. :(

Strung Out

There is a big empty spot in this life right now. I'm antsy, I can't stay put, I'm fidgety. I will be Obama-fied and will ask for change. Or else I dunno where I'll be days, months, years from now.

paradoxically speaking..

one of the best cinemas in the country is practically in the backyard of our office building. that's why it's killing me that Luna Lovegood is having the time of her life and Sirius Black is freaking-gonna-die-on-this, but i cannot, in any condition, be able to watch it til after who-knows when. goshdarnit!

and oh, i swear i'm gonna go for a kill for anyone who's gonna divulge the happenings in Hallows. I totally agree with Chico (..and Delamar) that they would have to go to jail (at least for the time being though) for talking about it. ha!

i am so happy i was able to surf the net after a two-week hiatus.gawd. i have so many things to tell. for starters, the kid beside me is SO annoying.

and i hate Margaret "Meg" Murry. I adore Bumblebee. And looking forward to sharing a donut with our homie Homer Simpson. D'oh!

why does it always rain on me, travis?

it's times like these i wish i had a normal loving family who would take me and cuddle me in their warm arms to assure me that yes, i'd still have them around after a long and stressful day. a normal family who wouldn't mind that I'm still under their roof because it happened that I'm still unemployed. a family that I can talk to of how my day went: was it bloody or gory? mothers and fathers who take care of children simply because they are children and they have the right to be taken care of. Well, those are stuff that i will never, ever find out nor experience for myself, at least not in this lifetime.

i wish all my friends right now were just next door so i can knock the door down, flop myself in the mutilated but comfy sofa and just cry my heart out, runny nose or not they couldn't care less. friends who would hear out all the strange news that I've been getting on my birthday freaking eve. their presence is enough to calm my infested, tired, small brain. given there's still left amidst all this madness.

i wish genies were real and actually grants three wishes to whoever sets them free (given that i was the one who set him free). all right since i'm desperate i could even settle for one.

i wish i wasn't such a dud for opening my tear ducts for like about every other hour. gawd i'm beginning to sound like an emo child. in clinics, in bookstores, in bus. tsktsk.

-------

an ad i saw along EDSA while on the bus on my way home:
" a must have cake for May"
..jeez, you are so thoughtful Red Ribbon. i too, felt the tears that came out of nowhere.

pardon the cheesiness..

went to church a while ago. after about 48 years, I actually went back. I guess I still surprise myself from time to time. and as always, i dunno what's with the UP church, but it almost always gives me that big lump in the throat. I'm such a wacko I actually have to stop myself in crying in front of all these happy people. and while I was in there, i realized why..kinda. It was nostalgic for me because I still clearly remember when me and my housemates used to go there (and even you honey for one quite memorable time). Suddenly, the strong emotion of missing your sorta family in the university engulfed me, hence my being sentimental. Gosh. I really,really miss you Ate Grace, Popsie, Jog, Izay, Che-Che and Honey. Magparamdam naman kayo..If only there's a way...



###
actually nagparamdam na beforehand si Jog kagabi lang at si Honey kanina lang.

Houston, we have a problem!

For me, this is one of the worst things that could happen in my already godforsaken life. My phone broke down on me last night. darnit. I didn't know what happened because I didn't do anything at all. Waaaahhh. ayaw na nyang mag-open. Pag binubuksan, yung battery capacity lang ang lumalabas kahit na pinagdadasal ko nang marinig ang nokia theme, wala talaga. Napakalungkot. Napakatahimik. Don't know what to do. Minamalas naman ata ako ngayong linggo.. Mayday, mayday.

hate me now

ayoko munang makakita at makarinig ng videoke at usapang libre pagdating sa alak at kantahan. it made my life miserable last night. i could have done a lot more important things than by just sitting around there and staring into space. How insensitive people can get nowadays? Gawd.I really hate it.

burnout

we all need a break in this life. everyday is a battle and the earth has been a witness for too long of too much sorrow. don't let me upset gaea anymore..she's had enough, and so do i. at the moment. get a grip marye.

In Memory of my Phone

it's like having a hollow part inside of me. 

a void that cannot be replaced by any other. 

it's like losing the boy you've never really had, only the feeling is worse.  

i cannot define the emotions. 

it's tragic.  

i never knew any other feeling except numbness and joy, and yet, this.. ....... this is sorrow.  

*para sa 5 taong pinagsamahan.