Cleaning Out my Closet

Note: this piece was a lame attempt to capture an ispirational phase in my so-called life 4 months ago. Just want to get it off my USB once and for all. Am not good in writing. I wish I was, though.

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"If I asked you to take my hand, walk in silence, read my thoughts through my eyes only, for TWO hours, would you?"

I was about to argue the possibility of you spending that two silent hours with ME (my God ME!) when I saw the longing, almost like urgent desperation, in your coffee brown eyes that I shoved back down my throat what was supposedly be my idea of a funny and clever response to your baffling question and decided that, hell, I will gladly take your hand next to my clammy one if it'll take some, if not all, the desolation I swore I saw a few seconds before you hastily turned your back to me.

Surprisingly it took a while before I managed to utter my weak "Of course. Uhm, but where to exactly?"

"Anywhere. Just get me as far away as possible in this miserable, little shit of town."

There again. The underlying tone of desperation in your voice. Wonder what made you feel that way in the first place. Trouble brewing at home? Nah. Work? Injustice? Politics? Her? I don't think so. Especially that. You'd probably run first to your friends and talk about it over some booze and smokes rather than discuss it with me. Besides, we never really delved into that subject because you don’t want to and because I can’t ask you to. So exactly why are you running to me now huh?

“Are you alright?”

No reply. Just the wind howling in the background.

Okay. So I guess this is where the “no talking” probably starts. I shrugged myself, downed a deep breath and took your hand. Your right to my left.

At first you looked like you were startled at me for taking your hand but then you looked straight ahead again and I brushed it off as maybe a figment of my reality gone awry.

And so we walked without me having the vaguest idea on where to lead you, whatever happened to you and why the hell my heart wants to explode at that very moment.

This isn’t how I imagined it to be. This isn’t how I placed meeting you alone. And this is definitely not the way I wished for you to come and see me finally.

Leo

Nakakatawa lang talaga na even after all this time ay natatandaan, at patuloy na tinatanong/inaasar, ng mga kaopisina ko sakin si Leo. Kelan daw ba nila makikilala ang mahiwagang si Leo? Na paulit-ulit ko namang sinasagot pero sadyang ayaw nilang maniwala. Teka, e sino nga ba kasi si Leo? At ano ba ang papel nya sa buhay ko?

Well, nagsimula ang lahat nung Valentine’s Eve. Niyaya ko si Kimi na manood ng Endo, meaning sya ang ka-date ko for Valentine’s day. E kaso sumunod yung boypren nya dun sa Glorietta so kamusta naman? It turned out ay nanood ako ng sine na may kasamang mag-syota, parang kumuha ka lang ng asin na ibubudbod sa sarili mong sugat. So much for girls night out. Anyway, sa mga hindi pa nakakapanood ng Endo (as in end of contract), medyo love story sya. Light movie na lahat ay paniguradong makaka-relate sa mga karakter nina Jason Abalos at Ina Feleo. Panoorin nyo na lang. O kaya hanapin nyo sa youtube yung trailer. Produkto ng Cinemalaya, kaya maganda!

Pagkatapos naming manood (at maglaro ng sandali sa Timezone) e nagmamadali na kaming makaalis kasi may pasok pa kami ni Kimi (that time ay panggabi pa sya). Pero on the way ay napagtripan namin na kumain ng heart-shaped Chocolate Cake na naka-display sa Brownies. Ang sarap kasing tignan. Pero dahil hindi naubos as usual ay ako na naman ang naatasang mag-uwi at dalhin sa office ang leftovers. Tsaka pumasok ang brilyanteng idea sa utak netong Kimimay at Ryan na sulatan daw namin yung cake na From:______ at To: Marye para magmukang may nagbigay daw sakin na isang secret admirer. Ampohtek. Well, medyo pathetic na pala pakinggan ngayon kapag ineexplain ko pero I guess nung mga panahong yun lahat kami naisip na nakakatuwang ideya naman sya. Oo. Pumayag ako dahil jologs ako. Tsaka wala namang mawawala sakin.

Kaso medyo nagkahirapan sa pag-iisip kung anong pwedeng posibleng pangalan ng imaginary admirer ko. Pero in the end ay sinabi ni Kimi na Leo na lang, mula sa pangalan ng karakter ni Jason Abalos sa Endo.

Ayun. Pagdating ko sa opisina katakut-takot na asaran at tanungan kung sino si Leo. Haha. Pero syempre sinabi ko naman na si Leo ay kathang-isip lamang. Hindi sya nag-eexist, na bunga lamang sya ng hindi patas na pagtrato sa mga taong walang other half tuwing Pebrero Katorse, sa komersyalismo ng araw na yun at sa perwisyond idinudulot nito sa sa lahat ng single sa buong Maynila, sa buong Pilipinas, sa buong Mundo! Ayon, sa awa naman ng Diyos hindi pa rin sila naniwala! Tsk tsk. Kala pa naman daw nila may papakilala na daw ako na boyps sa wakas. Muntik na nga ata silang maniwala na babae pala ko haha. FUNNY.

Halos limang buwan na rin pala ang nakakaraan pero tingnan mo nga naman, buhay na buhay pa rin si Leo. To the point na napaisip pa ko ng malalim at ina-analyze na ko ng mga tao.

Oh well, someday darating din siguro ang totoong Leo ko na magshe-share sakin ng earphones nya, magreregalo ng tsinelas, kasamang maglalakad sa ilalim ng buwan at syempre, magbibigay sakin ng heart-shaped chocolate cake tuwing araw ng mga puso.

Reminiscing

Ever remember "The Wonder Years"? That Kevin Arnold-Winnie Cooper 70s kid? Weell I did. Just now. Cos that's exactly where I got the bestest line I've ever heard that truly captured a kid's heart.

All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope... all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect... who might be searching for us."

Oh, yeah… Love. Once upon a time, it was…simple. If you liked somebody, you let 'em know. And if you didn't, you let 'em know. One way or another, you knew where you stood. But as you get older, communication gets more…complicated.

Oh brother i am such an old school. Gusto ko nang tanggapin na ako'y isang old soul talaga after all these centuries.

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Ay grabe. Everyday should be an Ice Cream day. or kahit once or twice a week man lang. DQ's Brownie Temptation Blizzard is LOVE. mahal nga lang toinks.

Bang, Bang, You're Dead

Okay. For the record, this has been a very underrated movie in my opinion when in fact it should be shown everywhere.

Kahit ganito ang Pilipinas, I'm thankful that i don't, we don't, have to experience the American kind of status quo in their schools. Although I cannot say much for those who went to private schools cos I know they have a totally different world out there. But man, who wants to be bullied?? Who ever wanted to be pushed, especially by some popular or ruling people in their classes? Everybody just want to be accepted, to have their own life and have peace in it. Every kid just want to enjoy high school! goshdarnit why do people have to be so mean, mean, mean. Everyone should meet kindness. It doesn't take much to be nice to other people. Gaaahhd.

~~
oh and totally unrelated stuff. i LOVE you Ben Foster for that. Kasama ka na nina Tony Leung, Shia LaBeouf, Milo Ventimiglia, Michael Cera at Patrick Stump sa mga unreachable boys ng buhay ko.

Isang malaking BAKIT??!

Bakit ba walang gumagawa ng mga kantang para sa mga taong naging tulay ng kasiyahan ng ibang tao, sa mga taong araw-araw umuuwi mag-isa na walang sumasalubong sa kanila, sa mga taong matagal nang hindi nakikita kaibigan nila, sa mga taong responsableng tumatawid sa kalsada, sa mga taong matapos magtyagang makinig sa problema ng iba ay lalayasan din pala?

Bakit walang gumagawa ng kanta tungkol sa mga taong naiiyak sa tuwing nakikitang pumapatak ang ulan, sa mga taong willing maghintay kahit gano pa katagal, sa mga taong palagi na lang pinaghihintay, sa mga taong allergic sa manok, sa mga taong may phobia sa manhole, sa mga taong hindi makatulog sa gabi hangga't hindi pa nila naririnig ang boses ng isang tao?

Andami-dami pa actually.

Palagi na lang tungkol sa kanilang mga broken-hearted, iniwanan, third party, two-timers, in love, hindi pinapansin ng mahal nila at kung anu-ano pa. Meron pa ngang kanta tungkol sa alak, sa condom, sa aso, sa kabayo, sa anino. Pero sa mga taong sawang-sawa na sa rejection ng ibang tao wala man lang makaisip magsulat.

Hindi ko lang siguro alam pero baka kahit papano ay may gumawa na rin pala ng mga kanta tungkol sa nabanggit ko pero ang point ay hindi sila kasing popular at mainstream ng mga kantang normal na pinatutugtog sa kaliwa't kanan. Paano na lang ang mga taong di nakaka-relate?