I was surprised but calm. Then I went about today's activities. It's a Sunday so I'm in charged of kitchen. Once I was done prepping the kitchen for breakfast, I had a little down time. I decided to post about her passing away in instagram. It was while composing a caption that everything sank in. I allowed myself to mourn and cry a little.
The hardest bit of her passing away was I never got to say goodbye seeing as I'm on the other side of the world. But I do think that she will forgive me for it. We might not have the closest relationship, like my cousins have with her (since they all live in one house), I know ours was one of mutual admiration. I admire her for her courage to endure everything that had been hurled her way, for taking care of her (too many) grandchildren even if it meant giving up something for herself. My cousins, aunt, and uncle are the luckiest because they got to live and spend so much time with her but oftentimes I can't help but think that they drove her to the extremes and eventually it wore her out. She was aware of it but she chose them still.
I heard the reason why a certain cousin hated me then and made my life miserable - back when I used to lived in the same house during weekends - was that because I was her favourite. I never believed it. How could I? I didn't see her for almost seven years (I was shipped off to the province, came back when I was about to start University) and my mother isn't exactly well-liked in the family (let's just say she is the black sheep so initially, I thought everyone wouldn't like me as well).
My cousins had all the advantage in the world so why would she choose me? As I grew older, I realised that she might not really have uttered those exact words to anyone. She might, at some point, talked and bragged about how I was in the best University in the country, how I was a scholar blah, blah, blah that my cousin thought of me as a threat. Our grandmother got sidetracked for a while and she did not like it. I admire her sneaky way of getting into someone's head although I kind of paid for it for a few years.
When I told her about our trip to South America, she was genuinely happy and excited for me. I heard it in her voice and saw it on her face, how it lit up after hearing I was flying to the other side of the world after years of saving up for it. Her approval meant a lot to me. I'd like to believe that she approved most of my life choices, like not marrying at an early age like everyone else in the family had lol.
Wherever you are, I hope I made you proud. Sorry I was not there to hold your hand one last time.
Rest now, Lola Sarah. Say hi to Lolo for me.