We differ, we share, we own and regret. We serve & order, others and ourselves. We share and we keep. We both know apology and anger. We both know pride & the beauty of bowing in respect. We know death and life. We have seen blood and race. We are sharp and compassionate. We both know pain. We honor our ancestors and love our children. We have offended and we can ask for more. We are wise and we are not. We are vulgar and profound. We are petty and divine. We are ordinary and not so. We know hate and surrender. We know failure and we know victory. We are victims. We both grieve. Neither one less stunned than the other. We are sorry. We know shame. We remember, we do. We are none of us alike nor the same. We balm and pray that there is forgiveness somewhere.
We exist - and we are we.
My peace and my grief, my silence and my words - for I have nothing else to offer China today.
With all due respect,
Ms. Gang Tianco Badoy, Filipina
A lot of words has been thrown at us - nasty, foul, kind, empathizing -as an individual, as a Filipino and most unpleasant of them all, as a nation. Every country has something to say, has their opinions to share whether accurate or hastily blurt.
With regards to Mr. Daniel Wagner's Huffington post, two reactions that sprang up my mind was 1) he has definitely hit that one spot when he said "...(Filipinos) needs to demand more of itself..." and 2) still, we can never let a white man nor any other foreigner for that matter to define us as a people, as a nation.
I'm addressing this particular issue that I find really, really annoying. With all the embarrassment and deep shit we're in, I would never, ever denounce my being Filipino just because the whole world's pointing their fingers at us, mocking, laughing, banning and condemning us for an incident that nobody wanted to happen.
It's like saying every freaking Arab-looking people are terrorist. Come on, we're better than that. You should be better than that especially if you've been educated and all. It's very infuriating to find a handful of your likes in comment sections of every news article that came out, spitting on this country just because everything's too chaotic.
You can very well leave. This country does not need you. You are the kind of people that pulls this country to deeper muck. You choose to become part of the problem instead of being part of the solution. We can never achieve progress if every time something tarnishes the name of this country you choose to mock and escape.
The trouble that ails this country are deeply rooted. We can blame the Spaniards, the Japanese, the Americans, political clans, dirty politics, corrupt officials, moral degradation, poverty, overpopulation, etc, all we can. But those are history that we can never get back. And these are issues that we can only address and remedy one slowly and agonizingly step at a time.
But it all boils down to this: ourselves. Individually, we need to have faith in ourselves. Faith that we are part of the solution. Faith that each and every one of us are catalyst of change. Something everyone seems to keep forgetting. Let's demand more of ourselves, let's not do things half-baked and let's never lose hope for this country.
We need not be anyone nor someone to make a difference.
Haneps. Last time Wenda and I saw each other was 10 years ago pa! And I'd like to retell that story I've almost forgotten that she helped me remember last night. The last time I saw her was when she accompanied me in my enrollment in UP (Virata Hall/UP ISSI di ba?) on no less than my birthday pa.
I already forgot how she ended up coming with me on that (one of the most) important day of my life but what I never forgot was the grateful feeling I had for her when she came with me just because I don't wanna be alone with my own mother in such a big university, surrounded by hundreds or even a thousand of freshmen kids eager to get the PE or Foreign Language subjects of their choice (pre-RGEP days). I just turned 16, a probinsyana kid amidst the sea of cooler Manila kids and other cooler provincial schools. I can't explain my anxiety and jitters.
For those who know, they'll understand why I don't want to be alone with my mother. Heck, they'd probably wonder why she was with me in the first place. Anyway, going back to the story, it all came back to me. I remembered how happy (and relieved) I was that she was with me on that day. As unfamiliar as I was to everything and everyone in that place, she was the only familiar person I knew i could hold on to. So, thank you. Alam mo yun.
As for Jho and Vianne, in between those 10 years, I got to see them from time to time. And by that, I meant seeing them after long periods of time. Years to be exact. But still, it wasn't the same with Wenda whom I didn't see for 10-freaking-years.
From the six girls of Blue Swirl (yes, we also had a group with a silly name. We were high school!), one just recently gave birth to a baby girl, one is expecting a baby very very soon, one is engaged, one is leaving for China very soon and one has her own house already. As for me, well, I have this blog. Haha.
I hope it won't take years or decades before we see each other again. I will make sure of that. Besides, gagala pa tayo sa Sorsogon. Ibi-build-up pa natin ang turismo dun hehe.
Somehow, I saw how their relationship grew. I witness how their love blossomed from one mountain to out-of-town trips and too many to mention adventures. You two are so right together. I love you both!
I've always dreamt of a childhood bestfriend like the ones in TV series: Joey Potter & Dawson Leary, Kevin Arnold & Paul Pfeiffer, Cory Matthews & Shawn Hunter. Even Chuckie Finster and Tommy Pickles have been bestfriends since well, since they were rugrats!
Now, I have yet another TV show bestfriends that I'm immensely envious of.
Chuck Bartowski and Morgan Grimes.
This episode (Season 2, Episode 14) has got to be one of my favorite episodes ever. I've always been a sucker for bestfriend relationships, whether fictional or not. I value my friendship with each and every one of my friends with such reverence. Although some friendships may vary on different levels, one thing I'm sure of is that , and there is a great possibility that they are unaware of it, I appreciate and love them more than they will ever expect nor can imagine.
Chuck pretty much explained it why:
Sarah Walker: No, I get it he's your best friend.
Chuck Bartowski:You know you say that, but I don't think you have a clue what it means. Sarah, I don't have parents. I don't really talk about it because that's the way things are now. But it wasn't always this way. Morgan was there the first day my mom took off. He didn't say much. Because honestly what's a fifth grader supposed to say? But we sat there and split a cherry cheesecake and played Legend of Zelda all night long. And my dad, well that's - that's a whole other story. But Morgan was there for that too. Morgan is more than just my best friend. He's my family! Before you got here, and long after you've gone, Morgan is my family!
Masakit lang isipin na may kaibigan kang gustong makasama pero hindi ikaw ang gusto niyang kasama.
P*ta /wrist moment yun ah.
Pag si Kaibigang A ang mag-aaya, hala sige. Keber sa komplikasyon. Pag si Kaibigang B ang nag-aya, walang pag-aalinlangan. Pag si Kaibigang Z mag-aaya, katakut-takot na pilitan at negosasyon pa ang kailangan.
Langya. Tamang nakikilimos na nga lang sa atensyon at oras.
Yelo. Kailangan ng puso ko ng yelo. Pangpamanhid lang.
I give credit to Four Weddings and a Funeral film for recognizing this awfully sad poem by poet W.H. Auden. It was the poem that John Hannah's character read aloud when his partner, Gareth, died.
While it may not always talk about death, I think this poem can aptly summarize any human being's emotional grief. I am seriously pondering of memorizing this beautiful piece in case I don't find the right words for my own grief.
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead, Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good.
When I started this blog, what I had in mind was simple: a blog that would serve as an outlet of my emotional despairs and woes in life. You see, I was in college and consistently failing my math subjects, ongoing perennial financial troubles, dealing with social insecurities, crushed confidence, living with relatives thus commuting to school everyday on a _ _-peso allowance (seriously) and perpetually contemplating the plans and dreams I wanted to achieve. These ugly thoughts relentlessly swamp my brain I’m surprise… well, I’m surprise I didn’t do anything dumb that I will regret in my future life. To all that I thank my lack of ingenuity, spaced out mind and the unflagging support of my little circuit of trusted friends.
Fast forward to today.
Many things have happened in that 5 years. Thankfully I’m out of college now therefore have stopped failing math subjects, got a job I really like but still zero bank savings account (but hey I got coins in my bear bank if you could count that), I still have my social insecurities but who doesn’t, lives in a cramped and dingy room and brick by boring brick builds a bridge that will get me closer to my dreams.
I suppose it’s about time to replace this blog’s header title. Because whenever I read it, it reminds me a lot of my younger self. Although I could always claim that in a nutshell, I’ve had a much better life than half of the world’s population; it hadn’t been that really easy for me too. Tough, awkward, lonely, miserable times? There were plenty of those but now I am ready to leave them all behind. After all, I have more great memories than just all those things put together.
Yes, I’m sure the melancholic attacks won’t stop from here but I am sure I would handle each of them appropriately and accordingly. Age and maturity has a unique way of manifesting into our system. However, exercising maturity can become a purely selective process only. So, I don’t know. Does that even count?!?
I was leaning to something of “travel/adventure/tramping” ideas but then remembered that I don’t really do that stuff frequently as much as I fantasized about it. More often than not, I forget to post travel related posts (either I was too lazy, tired or have forgotten entirely about it) so there’s really no sense in focusing to one specific topic. Besides, I have tons of interest in life I wouldn’t contain myself to one subject only.
Up next is improving this site’s layout! I’m a bit clueless in that area but I am trying really, really hard to learn more about that so I can finally give it the look it deserves, something that reflects my personality without having to borrow other people’s creation.
In the meantime, see you in another five years, change.